As humans, we tend to see ourselves as other people see us. Although we may view ourselves in regular, two-dimensional mirrors, these looking glasses don’t reveal our stories in any sort of real, three-dimensional detail. What really seems to drive our sense of self-esteem, in terms of who we really are, are the people in our lives such as spouses, friends, and co-workers.

If I ask my wife if she thinks I’m getting fat, the answer is always, “No, honey. You look great. You’re the sexiest man alive.” And of course I trust my wife wholeheartedly, so I go about my day secure in the knowledge that I’m the sexiest man alive. But am I?

Now, if I ask my friend, Rod, “Hey, Rod, do you think I’m fat?” Rod answers very matter-of-factly, “Dude, you’re fat.” Or as he put it to me once before, “Man, you’re really looking thick.”

Men apparently lack the courtesy filter that women seem to automatically possess. Women are taught to please from a young age. Most want to be liked, which means they often opt for nice when plain truth would better serve the recipient. My friend, Rod is so blunt about any issues regarding my weight and me, it’s almost as if he has some form of Tourette syndrome. But when a woman asks her friend about her weight, she most often receives a supportive “Honey you look great”. Energized by such niceties as “having a pretty face,” women blindly plump up to critical mass. Learn to seek honest answers by asking the right questions of the right people.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut, the answer is always yes.

Friends are undoubtedly one of life’s greatest treasures. But, on the pragmatic side of friendship, they’re also valuable resources. When the world seems to cave in on us, and all goes wrong, there’s nothing better than the comforting voice of a trusted confidante.

Those of us that have the pleasure of a best friend know that a few encouraging words from someone you trust can make some of life’s worst moments palatable. Good friends can be medicinal. They can be encouraging and sagacious. They can round out our lives and make us feel someone has got our backs.

But not all friendships are healthy. In fact, some relationships, either with your significant other or a close friend, can be truly toxic. This is a problem that seems to, again, affect women more than men. It has been my experience that women take things more to heart than men. Women tend to be more trusting and believing than their male counterparts. Ronald Reagan once said, “Trust but verify.” And, when it comes to taking advice from others – that may well be a solid policy. At times, it is hard to believe that even people we care about don’t always have our best interests at heart. I have witnessed firsthand from the other side of the gender fence the ways in which women can be too duplicitous in their advice. Admittedly, this sometimes happens without intended malice and instead emanates from the advisor’s own lack of self-awareness. I have seen women tell their “friend,” “That guy is no good for you, he’s a jerk,” only to be dating the “jerk” themselves weeks later after the relationship breaks up. Even if women think the advice from their pernicious pal is suspicious, they still seem to dutifully accept it as true. In the arena of fat, this psychodynamic often plays out with adverse effects. One fat girl tells the other fat girl, “You look great.” After all, if her friend doesn’t look “great,” then what must she look like?

These bad-advice Möbius strips, which are often called feedback-loops, simply render two individuals less in total merely by virtue of their friendship.