The sound rose and fell with machine-like precision. I began unobtrusively searching for the source of the buzzing. I worried that the strangle internal sound and vibration was a sign that I had become afflicted by the latest virus du jour or other –itus ending word. Or maybe this was some unexplained phenomenon like the Taos hum?

The strange buzzing took the form of a staccato telephone ring cycle, very… um… rhythmic. When I concentrated on locating the source I realized the buzzing was most intense near my side. So I leaned to one side, grabbed my sizeable love handle pulled the pudge up. At that moment, with startling volume, my cell phone gasped “RING! RING! RING!” As it was freed from the weight of my gut.

Embarrassed, I quickly hit the silent button on my cell phone.  I realized the ringing/buzzing sound in my head had been my cell’s vibrating “ring” traveling through my body, up through my torso and into my inner ear. For a moment, I couldn’t help but be a tad amused by the event. Amazing science! Sound waves amplified, traveling through fat. Entertaining yes. But also quite a shocking wake up call. The more I thought about the incident, the more disgusted I became with myself. So how fat was I?  At the height of my problem, I was kissing 300 pounds. I’d imagine many overweight people experience moments of epiphany similar to mine. The world around us – people and unanimated objects alike – often drop hints or screaming messages when we as individuals are on the wrong track in life. But how many of us listen?

For instance, if you’re buying two airline tickets — one per butt cheek — it’s clear the universe (and the airline company) is trying to tell you something. Unfortunately, many people tune out their own little voice and that of the universe. These oblivious souls only take action after a catastrophic medical problem emerges. But by then it may be too late.  Luckily, I got the message and I listened. Now, I hope my story and my experiences can help others, even just one person to listen up and turn their lives around. Before it’s too late.

The world is much like a job interview. At the office, your child’s school, even the grocery store, the people you interact with see your outside, not your inside. Job interviews give the employer a chance to see firsthand what you are all about and quite a bit rides on this first encounter. So what does your physical resume say about you? In this competitive world, does your physical resume say you lack motivation, you are trapped in the past, suffer from a host of medical conditions and that you don’t care about yourself? Not selflessness — that is something different. A slovenly appearance says you don’t care. To an employer, someone who can’t even take the time to show up clean and well groomed, would represent someone unorganized, irresponsible and lacking confidence. This also applies to the world at large.  You need to stop thinking, “Well if people love me they will simply love the inside me.” Good luck with that. Your “inside” you is only part of you, but it is the less obvious part; make the whole package great. Don’t drive around life in a crappy-looking car just because it runs well; have it all.

[i] J, Andreoni R. Petrie. “Journal of Economic Psychology.” University of California (2008) 73-93
Moderately attractive people took home seven percent less in earnings than their prettier co-workers. According to the study, the main reason for this was that attractive people are seen as more helpful and cooperative. The study also found that, of those participating in the study, 39 percent of attractive men and women were judged to be helpful, compared to 16 percent of moderately attractive people, and only 6 percent of unattractive people.

If I ask my wife if she thinks I’m getting fat, the answer is always, “No, honey. You look great. You’re the sexiest man alive.” And of course I trust my wife wholeheartedly, so I go about my day secure in the knowledge that I’m the sexiest man alive. But am I?

Now, if I ask my friend, Rod, “Hey, Rod, do you think I’m fat?” Rod answers very matter-of-factly, “Dude, you’re fat.” Or as he put it to me once before, “Man, you’re really looking thick.”

Men apparently lack the courtesy filter that women seem to automatically possess. Women are taught to please from a young age. Most want to be liked, which means they often opt for nice when plain truth would better serve the recipient. My friend, Rod is so blunt about any issues regarding my weight and me, it’s almost as if he has some form of Tourette syndrome. But when a woman asks her friend about her weight, she most often receives a supportive “Honey you look great”. Energized by such niceties as “having a pretty face,” women blindly plump up to critical mass. Learn to seek honest answers by asking the right questions of the right people.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut, the answer is always yes.

Relationships between women are very different than those among men. Women play a much more supportive role with each other than do men, sometimes to a fault. It also seems that women tend to ally with women of similar temperament, and size. And, they gain great comfort in these relationships. Even with casual acquaintances, well-meaning, but false feedback can knock you off course if you do not fortify your self-esteem firewall.

Imagine there are two trees. One grows a bit taller than its neighbor to capture more sunlight, and then the other tree grows a bit taller, so as not to be overshadowed. The other tree responds, causing further response in the other tree again, and so on. The net effect is that both trees become taller and taller, but still gather, on average, the same amount of sunlight, while spending more resources to sustain an increased height. This is what I witnessed in the diet centers; interactions between competing species, in which a great deal of energy was spent, but no forward progress was ever made.

The title of this effect comes from Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass. In the book, Alice is in a state of great confusion. In her dream, she finds that things appear backwards, as if viewed in a mirror. She climbs a hill, which appears to be a very straight path. However, when she follows the path, it leads her right back to the Looking Glass house. When she moves forward, she ends up back at her starting point. When she moves quickly, she comes to an abrupt halt. Talking flowers tell her about the Red Queen (a live chess piece) and she decides to search for her.

When Alice spots the Red Queen, she moves toward her and the queen quickly disappears. Alice, following the advice of one of the flowers, moves in the opposite direction, and the queen immediately appears before her. The queen leads Alice to the top of a hill, and then begins to run, faster and faster. Alice pursues, but is confused to find that neither seems to be moving. When she runs faster, she finds herself still in the same place. Alice comments on this and the Red Queen responds, “Now, here you see, it takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place.”

Dieting can definitely feel like this, can’t it? The effect only intensifies when a ‘friend’ is running in place beside you. Van Valen named this idea the ‘Red Queen Effect’ because a species has to run (evolve) in order to stay in the very same place.

Little improvements make little differences; to escape the gravitational pull of the status quo, you must make big changes through quantum leaps forward. Sadly, as we age and train our bodies to be fat, basic dieting will only keep us the same. And with feedback from our friends that supports the center, we may never leave our fat purgatory.

Those of us that have the pleasure of a best friend know that a few encouraging words from someone you trust can make some of life’s worst moments palatable. Good friends can be medicinal. They can be encouraging and sagacious. They can round out our lives and make us feel someone has got our backs.

But not all friendships are healthy. In fact, some relationships, either with your significant other or a close friend, can be truly toxic. This is a problem that seems to, again, affect women more than men. It has been my experience that women take things more to heart than men. Women tend to be more trusting and believing than their male counterparts. Ronald Reagan once said, “Trust but verify.” And, when it comes to taking advice from others – that may well be a solid policy. At times, it is hard to believe that even people we care about don’t always have our best interests at heart. I have witnessed firsthand from the other side of the gender fence the ways in which women can be too duplicitous in their advice. Admittedly, this sometimes happens without intended malice and instead emanates from the advisor’s own lack of self-awareness. I have seen women tell their “friend,” “That guy is no good for you, he’s a jerk,” only to be dating the “jerk” themselves weeks later after the relationship breaks up. Even if women think the advice from their pernicious pal is suspicious, they still seem to dutifully accept it as true. In the arena of fat, this psychodynamic often plays out with adverse effects. One fat girl tells the other fat girl, “You look great.” After all, if her friend doesn’t look “great,” then what must she look like?

These bad-advice Möbius strips, which are often called feedback-loops, simply render two individuals less in total merely by virtue of their friendship.

We were taught how to avoid being lunged at during a rescue as well as defense tactics to escape a death grip when latched onto by a panicked swimmer. The lesson behind these exercises holds meaning well outside the lifesaving vignette. We simply cannot save others if we are drowning too. The best way for us to help our spouses, our children, our employers, or anyone else, is to be strong and take care of ourselves as well-prepared and well-rested warriors and formidable soldiers. We all need to chant the mantra of “when worst comes to worst, the savior comes first.” I know, however, that this is can be a very difficult concept for many women to get their heads around. Again, going back to very early societal modeling, women are taught to be caregivers, to put themselves last. I certainly would not want to scratch that beautiful female attribute. I only wish to suggest you must also be a savior to yourself. Care for yourself so you can better care for others, if caring for others is your goal. Moreover, care for yourself just because you deserve good care.

A study done in part by New York University sociologist, Dalton Conley, found an increase in a woman’s body mass directly correlated to a decrease in her family income and job prestige. Men, however, experienced no similar negative effect. The study, sponsored by the National Bureau on Economic Research, found a one percent increase in body mass as measured by using BMI results in a 0.6 percent decrease in family income. This isn’t right, but it’s reality, and is something that should be taken into consideration for yourself and your children.

I’ve known many mothers who are persistent, committed, self-sacrificing, attentive, driven, methodical, motivated, creative, competent, bright, self-critical and perfectionistic. These adjectives make them wonderful mothers, wives, employees, and so on, but also tend to make them very poor in the self-care department. Too much stress, including the stress of being a day-to-day caretaker, jeopardizes health, happiness, productivity, goals, and relationships. Working with little variation or a high demand for productivity and recurring pressured deadlines over an extended period of time will create a lot of stress. It’s time to start taking care of you regardless of deadlines, soccer games, and everything else you have going on at any given moment. This may sound like blasphemy to the typical mom, but attempting to perform all these daily tasks while feeling overburdened and unwell simply makes you ineffectual. It’s time to start living and enjoying life, cultivating a fulfilling life that involves what you want and caring for your own needs, as well as those of your family. Self-care is a well-understood and universally-affirmed concept, with a history of poor implementation. Like most everything else, life is a game of balance. Finding that balance is key to taking care of yourself while, at the same time, taking care of those who depend on you.

Remember, when you look good, you feel good. I know that sounds incredibly simplistic, but it is so important for you to understand that how you look strongly drives your own self-image and the way that others perceive you.  This fact impacts you, not only as an individual, but also as a parent. I taught my children that life has challenges that must be met and conquered. When I was fat, my children began to gain weight, and I knew it was my responsibility to not only show them new ways to eat and stay active, but also to show them that, despite my weight problem, I would be able to conquer and solve it. I know to this day, my son’s daily runs and his incredible endurance, were borne from my decision to start running. The small changes I made in my own life have endowed him with a life of prudent exercising.

It sounds cliché, but your body really is your temple. You’ve only got one body in this life; you have to live in it, and others will judge you based on how you care for it.

The world is much like a job interview. At the office, your child’s school, even the grocery store, the people you interact with see your outside, not your inside. Job interviews give the employer a chance to see firsthand what you are all about and much on this first encounter. So what does your physical resume say about you? In this competitive world, does your physical resume say you lack motivation, you are trapped in the past, suffer from a host of medical conditions and that you don’t care about yourself? Not selflessness — that is something different. A slovenly appearance says you don’t care. To an employer, someone who can’t even take the time to show up clean and well groomed represents someone unorganized, irresponsible and lacking confidence. This scenario also applies to the world at large.  You need to stop thinking, “Well if people love me they will simply love the inside me.” Good luck with that. Your “inside” you is only part of you, but it is the less obvious part. Make the whole package great. Don’t drive around life in a crappy-looking car just because it runs well, have it all.

In the book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg, the author devotes a chapter to how children learn by watching Mom and Dad. Steinberg begins by pointing out how often we look in the mirror and recognize that we frequently have the same facial expressions as our parents. We often mimic attitudes, values, opinions, and habits that our own parents had as we grew up — despite that fact that we swore we’d be different. Then, you grow up and the tables are turned. Your own child acquires your expressions, opinions, and habits. Steinberg says there is nothing we can do to prevent our children from mirroring our own actions, so it becomes a parent’s job to make sure that they model good choices. The tendency for children to imitate parents is so strong that scientists now believe that it is part of our evolution as humans.

Children do more than “monkey see, monkey do.” While watching what goes on around them, they learn about the world and how to interpret it. They look to parents to know what is safe and what is dangerous. They look to you to know how to feel as well as for what to do. So modeling a self-confident, successful, healthy lifestyle for your child can only have a positive influence on your child’s own self-image.

But even forgetting for a moment the value of modeling for your children, let’s get a little egocentric here. You have a right to care for and consider yourself, period. It is not child abuse or neglect for you to take time out of your day for exercise, as well as other self-enriching activities. These pursuits benefit both you and your children.

The Super Moms show up in the morning with their hair and makeup in place. They send their children off with care as they head out for their morning jog, a stint at the gym, or the office. The Mega Moms, however, are so intensively involved in their children’s lives that they often follow them to the their classrooms, getting involved dutifully with all aspects of their child’s education, and when not volunteering in the classroom, they’re back at home on standby, waiting for the next moment to serve like a dutiful, biological robot for their master child.

It’s always easy to spot the Mega Moms in their cluster; they wear the requisite uniform of sweatpants and their husband’s stained t-shirt, hair askew, with no signs of makeup. After all, for a Mega Mom to focus on herself is akin to low-grade child abuse. They peer across the parking lot to the Super Moms muttering in low tones and pointing in their direction. To the Mega Moms, the Super-Moms are nothing more than superficial bitches that care only about themselves.

As an amateur sociologist, I could never resist the opportunity to learn more about these competing cultures. So, I’d make it a point to sneak over and chat up both camps. I found that the super-moms were not bitches at all, but were, in fact, some of the most caring, loving, well-put-together parents I have ever met. At one point, I remember listening to one of the Mega Moms as she went on a long diatribe about how one of the Super Moms wouldn’t allow her child to come to school unless the child’s clothes were perfectly pressed. I found their criticism confusing as people and their children should always try to put their best foot forward. That hardworking mindset hardly made the accused Super Mom a bitch. But the Mega Moms, for a host of reasons, had chosen to focus their energy away from themselves and firmly in the vicarious living of their children.

It’s obvious that strong self-esteem is vital for any individual, but I would argue that it is much more vital for a parent. As a parent, you don’t have the right to let yourself go. Remember, you are more than a teacher — you are a model. If you’re modeling a message that appearance and self care are valueless, then this is what your child will believe. In doing this, you are simply creating a culture where a child will emerge with a distinct disadvantage in a largely competitive world. You can talk all day long with friends about how looks, body shapes, and dress are not important, but they are.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, parents or caregivers make the greatest contribution to an individual’s self-image. But, experiences with others such as teachers, friends, and other family members also add to the image we see in the mirror. These relationships reinforce how we think and feel about ourselves. We are continually taking in information and evaluating ourselves. We have a mental image of our physical appearances, a performance image of our successes and failures, and an inner sense of our adequacy and value. Why would any parent model a less-than-ideal self-image to her child if this very thing can be influenced by so many outside forces? If self-image affects how we respond to life’s challenges, it stands to reason that parents should do everything possible to foster a positive self-image, including teaching their children to care for themselves, both inside and outside. Many parents wish outside appearances didn’t matter, but they do. Now, that’s not to say that all of the other personal attributes are not equally as important, but don’t discount your appearance or the appearance of your child. Just because you may not be a supermodel doesn’t mean you cannot have a balanced form or dress nicely. Just because you can’t be perfect, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be the best you can be. And if you think these issues don’t matter in our culture, consider this, a host of studies show that our appearances have a great deal to do with how often we succeed in life.