Friends are undoubtedly one of life’s greatest treasures. But, on the pragmatic side of friendship, they’re also valuable resources. When the world seems to cave in on us, and all goes wrong, there’s nothing better than the comforting voice of a trusted confidante.

Those of us that have the pleasure of a best friend know that a few encouraging words from someone you trust can make some of life’s worst moments palatable. Good friends can be medicinal. They can be encouraging and sagacious. They can round out our lives and make us feel someone has got our backs.

But not all friendships are healthy. In fact, some relationships, either with your significant other or a close friend, can be truly toxic. This is a problem that seems to, again, affect women more than men. It has been my experience that women take things more to heart than men. Women tend to be more trusting and believing than their male counterparts. Ronald Reagan once said, “Trust but verify.” And, when it comes to taking advice from others – that may well be a solid policy. At times, it is hard to believe that even people we care about don’t always have our best interests at heart. I have witnessed firsthand from the other side of the gender fence the ways in which women can be too duplicitous in their advice. Admittedly, this sometimes happens without intended malice and instead emanates from the advisor’s own lack of self-awareness. I have seen women tell their “friend,” “That guy is no good for you, he’s a jerk,” only to be dating the “jerk” themselves weeks later after the relationship breaks up. Even if women think the advice from their pernicious pal is suspicious, they still seem to dutifully accept it as true. In the arena of fat, this psychodynamic often plays out with adverse effects. One fat girl tells the other fat girl, “You look great.” After all, if her friend doesn’t look “great,” then what must she look like?

These bad-advice Möbius strips, which are often called feedback-loops, simply render two individuals less in total merely by virtue of their friendship.

At one point in my life, I was a lifeguard. From there, I became a water safety instructor, and, since then, I have taught water safety and basic life-saving skills as a volunteer with the American Red Cross. One of the first lessons my instructor taught me during my training was, “When worst comes to worst, the saver comes first.” I remember being so very confused by this mnemonic device, since we, as lifesavers were risking our lives to save another human. That indeed is our pledge. The instructor went on to explain that drowning victims can be very aggressive, doing all that was necessary in their panic to save themselves, sometimes taking the lifesaver down with them.

We were taught how to avoid being lunged at during a rescue as well as defense tactics to escape a death grip when latched onto by a panicked swimmer. The lesson behind these exercises holds meaning well outside the lifesaving vignette. We simply cannot save others if we are drowning too. The best way for us to help our spouses, our children, our employers, or anyone else, is to be strong and take care of ourselves as well-prepared and well-rested warriors and formidable soldiers. We all need to chant the mantra of “when worst comes to worst, the savior comes first.” I know, however, that this is can be a very difficult concept for many women to get their heads around. Again, going back to very early societal modeling, women are taught to be caregivers, to put themselves last. I certainly would not want to scratch that beautiful female attribute. I only wish to suggest you must also be a savior to yourself. Care for yourself so you can better care for others, if caring for others is your goal. Moreover, care for yourself just because you deserve good care.

John T. Molloy, author of Dress for Success, conducted an interesting experiment while writing his book. He panhandled money at New York City’s Port Authority Bus Terminal and Grand Central Station. During rush hour, he stopped people and said he was embarrassed but had lost his wallet and needed 75 cents to get home. He did this for two hours. During the first hour, he wore a suit but no tie. During the second hour, he wore a tie as well. In the first hour, he made $7.23, and, during the second hour, his net was $26 dollars — nearly five times more. Molloy’s conclusion? The public perceives the tie as a symbol of respectability and responsibility. People trust and respect someone who is well-groomed and cared for. Why wouldn’t you want this for yourself and your child? Obviously, I’m not saying you must wear a suit every day, but putting your best foot forward can only improve your life.

A study done in part by New York University sociologist, Dalton Conley, found an increase in a woman’s body mass directly correlated to a decrease in her family income and job prestige. Men, however, experienced no similar negative effect. The study, sponsored by the National Bureau on Economic Research, found a one percent increase in body mass as measured by using BMI results in a 0.6 percent decrease in family income. This isn’t right, but it’s reality, and is something that should be taken into consideration for yourself and your children.

I’ve known many mothers who are persistent, committed, self-sacrificing, attentive, driven, methodical, motivated, creative, competent, bright, self-critical and perfectionistic. These adjectives make them wonderful mothers, wives, employees, and so on, but also tend to make them very poor in the self-care department. Too much stress, including the stress of being a day-to-day caretaker, jeopardizes health, happiness, productivity, goals, and relationships. Working with little variation or a high demand for productivity and recurring pressured deadlines over an extended period of time will create a lot of stress. It’s time to start taking care of you regardless of deadlines, soccer games, and everything else you have going on at any given moment. This may sound like blasphemy to the typical mom, but attempting to perform all these daily tasks while feeling overburdened and unwell simply makes you ineffectual. It’s time to start living and enjoying life, cultivating a fulfilling life that involves what you want and caring for your own needs, as well as those of your family. Self-care is a well-understood and universally-affirmed concept, with a history of poor implementation. Like most everything else, life is a game of balance. Finding that balance is key to taking care of yourself while, at the same time, taking care of those who depend on you.